As I land in this new country that barely speaks English in Eastern Europe I wonder what lies ahead for me. I always seem to be alone on my distinctive adventurous exploration trips. I always seem to be excited for the amazing days that face me with great anticipation and admiration like a little boy on a school trip to the forest.

I enter the hotel and unpack after a pleasant ride from the airport with a lady Taxi driver and a nice smiling front desk staff check in. The room is spacious and warm, the weather is cold and so is the scenery with the brutal memories this country holds. As I stand at the window overlooking the city, I can’t take my mind off what has happened here years ago and the despair this country went through with its entire people.

The lobby is fine and large, old and beaten down, redone for saving face reasons. I head to the lounge and ask for a warm cup of coffee and a piece of that delicious looking cake. I am served and loved every minute of it. I take a drag from my cigarette and watch slowly the people around me; all seem to either be on business or just casual family day out at the hotel, all is good and entertaining. A beautiful little girl sits silently with her father enjoying her strawberry tart and juice as he sips on his coffee, she brings tears to my eyes as I remember my darling daughter back home.

I am still all alone.

I move out wearing my heavy coat and meet the tour guide, a 40 plus year old guy that I can relate to, very interesting and very informed, just like people I like, perfect I think. We drive around from place to place, moving slowly from one area to the other. He asks nicely if he can pick up his niece and drop her off, I accept excitedly, more sweet little girls to remind how lonely I am getting. She gets in the car, a wonderful happy child, speaks some Croatian dialect to the guy and off they go, he drives off the beaten track and up and down some wonderful scenery that I can say is purely stunning!

We arrive at this old cottage surrounded by what I call picture perfect natural scenes, just like God intended. Nothing can be more inviting than this. She jumps out of the car and off to meet her granny, I want to live here with my children and family I think.

We drive off and onto our tour we jump, from one place to the other, each place is more inviting than the other, more enchanting and full of history than the previous sight, it just gets better, more I demand, I want more, he delivers every time. I ask him how come the whole country is full of beautiful wonderful looking people, especially women, he replies “that is a nice problem to have, don’t you think?”I agree.

The darkness falls upon us and the weather starts to get really cold, our journey is nearing its end for the day. I have identified where I want to spend the other days of this trip, or should I call my family and ask them to come join me forever in this wonderland? I can see my daughter playing in the wilderness and going to school with me, I can see my mother socializing with the neighbors and my father enjoying the wonderful scenery and pouring his heart into his ever so wonderful writing master pieces. I can see my sister with her children walking over to us, and my brothers getting ready to go out, and my friends passing by to take us out for a wild evening, including a roast lamb over a live fire in the woods with veggie soups and salads, it’s the good life. I can already smell the aroma in the air and feel the comfort of my family.

After the night is over, I am still alone and very lonely, I miss you, whoever you may be, I just know someone should have been with me to share this wonderful experience.

Some guys have all the luck, I am luckier than them I know it. Some have been programmed to live how society dictates them, others like me are dictated by the moment and whatever life throws at them, everything has a price to be paid, Lonely.

I never complain I say, it’s to myself that I say, why do I remain this way? Is it permanent or determinant from my side? Is this the aftermath of my life’s bruises and cruises? Is it me running away from the problems of my days? Is it a discovery journey I had embedded in my subconscious mind to please my inner child? It’s all good as I say, everyday,  brings me closer to my final stay.

I want to have it all I guess, freedom and belonging, escaping and being trapped, flying and being grounded, my parents never held me down, they helped me grow my wings, and I thank them for this blessing and all my flight preparations.

I have to say, I have traveled so far away from my original roots, in every direction and every altitude, I keep on discovering and observing, trying to know the why in why itself, and conducting endless battles with my convictions and beliefs, challenging the cannot in everything that screams not doable. By nature I refuse, by default I become lonely, for how long I question, the answers are in the pipeline, short or long, I can wait, for as you all know, the best is always yet to come.

For so long, I long to belong, I hope I don’t wait till its too late, while fate takes its toll, and I never get to take that stroll with my baby doll and her handsome brother, for so long, and just maybe with the half that completes me.

Cherish the moment, even if you feel lonely, for lonesome is only temporary, unless you are eager for that lonely fever.

Mamdooh.alradadi

me@mamdoohalradadi.com